After being thrilled and full of joy and happiness to be expecting another little baby in March, we were shocked with the unfortunate news from our doctor that our little one has no heart beat. As she talked to us about our options I felt like I was somewhere else. "This can't possibly be happening to me. What do they know? It's probably too early to see a heart beat. I'm not suppose to have a miscarriage, that doesn't happen to me." These were all thoughts to go through my mind.
Once I finally realized and accepted that there was nothing I could do to change the situation I took a couple days to simply be sad. To grieve and cry as hard and long as I wanted. I also, thanks to friends and family close by, was able to send Brynlee to play while I had a Mommy day and reflect on the situation spiritually. I had no idea what to do so I knelt on my knees and expressed my feelings to my Heavenly Father. I knew that through the spirit he would tell me what I needed to hear and he would comfort me. As I read my scriptures, listened to conference talks, and listened to music, I learned so much about myself.
I had no idea how to explain how I was feeling, and I had no idea how to deal with the heartache. I listened to a particular song by Hilary Weeks that put my feelings into perfect words:
"I believe that everything happens for a reason... But sometimes life sends a storm that's unexpected and we're forced to face our deepest pain. When I agreed that God could put this heart inside me, I understood that there would be a chance that it would break. But I know he knows exactly how I'm feeling, and I know in time he'll take the pain away. I've felt joy- the kind that makes my heart want to sing, so my tears are not a surrender. I'll feel that way again."
I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. When we agreed to come to this earth we knew we would feel heartache and sorrow, but we accepted that b/c we knew His plan is perfect. In order to feel joy we have to feel sorrow. What is the reason for this? I don't know. But I do find comfort in the fact that someday I might be able to lend help and understanding to someone going through the same thing. That is what our Savior does for us. He has experienced everything we do. Along with all the other women who know how I feel, the Savior is my strength and place of peace.
I am also grateful for the added strength to my testimony. Elder Andersen said, "With faith comes trials of faith, and increased faith." I have faith that our Heavenly Father's plan is perfect, that b/c I have faith it will be tested and tried, and in the end is strengthened and solidified. The Plan of Happiness allows me to know that someday I will be able to be this child's mother and get to know him. Though hard and heartbreaking, I'm grateful to my Heavenly Father for giving me a way to strengthen my testimony.